“Every Christian home should have rules and parents should, in their words and in their deportment toward each other, give to the children a precious living example of what they desire them to be…” –The Adventist Home, p. 305
Christian fathers and mothers must first, like children, learn at the feet of Jesus to submit their will to God’s will in all things, so that they will, in their family, represent the kind of government that their Lord requires. There is no better or wiser plan created by humans than what God has for us in His Holy Word. This is the safest and best guide to follow in the training of our children.
“Who can better understand all the needs of children than their Creator? Who can feel a deeper interest in their welfare than He who bought them with His own blood?” –Ibid., p. 306
Parents should always remember that their children will imitate them, so where they act and speak kindly to one another, the children will in most cases behave in the same manner. But where harshness of any kind is practiced, the children will also follow these examples.
In The Adventist Home on page 308, Ellen White writes about two families using different modes of governing. One family was “governed without a harsh word or look.” She also visited other families where, “an authoritative tone, and harsh rebukes and severe punishments were often administered.”
The following was her observation, “In the first case the children followed the course pursued by the parents and seldom spoke to one another in harsh tones. In the second, also the parental example was imitated by the children; and cross words, faultfindings, and disputes were heard from morning till night.”
God has given us His law because He loves us and He wants the best for us and our children.
These rules should control both the parents and the children. We must, however, be careful not to implement some of our own rules which may be too rigid or too difficult to live by. If that is the case, the children may want to get around them by disregarding them altogether. Try to instruct in uniform firmness and love. Gentle discipline and calm loving words will accomplish much more than severity. It is also good to remember not to criticise our children for every little thing.
“The combined influence of authority and love will make it possible to hold firmly and kindly the reins of family government.
“Words that intimidate, creating fear and expelling love from the soul, are to be restrained. . . .
“Children need constant watchcare and tender love. Bind them to your hearts, and keep the love as well as the fear of God before them.” –Ibid., p. 308–309
“Never should parents cause their children pain by harshness or unreasonable exactions. Harshness drives souls into Satan’s net. . . .
“Harsh words sour the temper and wound the hearts of children, and in some cases these wounds are difficult to heal. Children are sensitive to the least injustice, and some become discouraged under it and will neither heed the loud, angry voice of command nor care for threatenings of punishment.” –Ibid., p. 307–308
The responsibility of guiding their children aright is great, and one that must be shared by mother and father with much prayer. They must communicate and establish the goal they wish to reach. Sometimes mismanagement occurs when one is too indulgent (it is often the mother) and the father may be too strict. We may not use harshness or force while teaching our children, but neither should there be weak leniency. The mother should never imply that the father’s family management skills are lacking—never work against the father’s plans. When the parents are not united in how to raise their children, their children will be confused and lose the respect and their confidence in both parents which are necessary for a well-governed family.
Sometimes the mother allows her children to practice wrong habits, and then she tries to hide these from the father because she knows that he would disapprove. However, should the father find out about this, the mother then comes up with an excuse or tells a half-truth; she tries to cover it up. This will undermine the efforts made in forming a good character in the children. Sometimes the mother does not realize, or take it seriously enough to understand that the father is just as much interested in their children as she is, and he needs to be informed when they go astray so that they can be corrected where necessary while they are young. Children are bright and notice the disunion in their parents and this has a negative effect on them.
“The children begin young to deceive, cover up, tell things in a different light from what they are to their mother as well as their father. Exaggeration becomes habit, and blunt falsehoods come to be told with but little conviction or reproof of conscience.” –Ibid., p. 313
“There should always be a fixed principle with Christian parents to be united in the government of their children. . . .
“The family firm must be well organized. Together the father and mother must consider their responsibilities, and with a clear comprehension undertake their task. There is to be no variance.” –Ibid., p. 313–314
“Where religion is a practical thing in the home, great good is accomplished. Religion will lead the parents to do the very work God designed should be done in the home. Children will be brought up in the fear and admonition of the Lord.” –Ibid., p. 318
With kindness and self-control mother and father need to instruct their children when young, when their hearts are impressible. Teach them eternal things, the will of God. Remember, you are living in the presence of God. It is a bad mistake to think it is alright to teach your children when they get older, that they will, on their own, look for a religious experience and turn out alright. If we do not plant seeds of love, truth, and the heavenly attributes in the children’s hearts and minds, Satan will sow tares. If you are leaving them to make their own decision in childhood and youth to do whatever they think to be right, you are neglecting the responsibility placed upon you by God.
“Let parents seek God for guidance in their work. On their knees before Him they will gain a true understanding of their great responsibilities, and there they can commit their children to One who will never err in counsel and instruction.” –Ibid., p. 321
Father and mother are to show in their life that Jesus is everything to them. It is from Him you have learned patience, love and kindness. All your children are to be nourished with the lessons of Christ. Pray with your children and teach them how to pray to Jesus for their needs. Guard each child so that Satan shall not influence them and draw them away. Do everything you can, never losing sight of the goal before you. Do not be discouraged, but be determined, for God will be at your side.
“Parents, take your children with you into your religious exercises. Throw around them the arms of your faith, and consecrate them to Christ. Do not allow anything to cause you to throw off your responsibility to train them aright; do not let any worldly interest induce you to leave them behind. Never let your Christian life isolate them from you. Bring them with you to the Lord; educate their minds to become familiar with divine truth. Let them associate with those that love God. Bring them to the people of God as children whom you are seeking to help to build characters fit for eternity.” –Ibid., p. 321–322
We should often speak to our children and young people in our homes of the heavenly home which the followers of Christ will one day live in. If mothers and fathers do this, the Lord will guide the young into all truth and fill their hearts with the desire to prepare them to be among those getting entrance into the mansions Jesus is preparing in heaven for those that love Him.
“Parents are to make the religion of Christ attractive by their cheerfulness, their Christian courtesy, and their tender, compassionate sympathy; but they are to be firm in requiring respect and obedience. Right principles must be established in the mind of the child.
“We need to present to the youth an inducement for right doing. Silver and gold is not sufficient for this. Let
us reveal to them the love and mercy and grace of Christ, the preciousness of His word, and the joys of the overcomer. In efforts of this kind you will do a work that will last throughout eternity.” –Ibid., p. 323
As parents, we should remember that it is very important that we lead a consistent life. We must live what we preach. Our facial expressions, our voices, and our physical behaviour all have an influence upon the mind. By our deportment, we show what is in our heart. By leading a consistent life we will exert a positive influence towards the molding of the characters of our children and youth. It must be clear that our family understands that our Heavenly Father is to be worshipped and obeyed and that nothing is to take precedence over this.
“‘The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.’ This fact should be woven into the very life and character. The right conception of God through the knowledge of Christ, who died that we might be saved, should be impressed upon their minds.” –Ibid., p. 324
Sometimes parents may think that they do not have enough time to study the Word of God daily and also instruct their family. But we are admonished to cut out everything unnecessary of a temporal nature so that we will not neglect receiving the spiritual instructions we need for ourselves and for our children.
Abraham, who was called “the Friend of God”, left a wonderful example for parents of our days to follow. We read in Patriarchs and Prophets p. 142–143 as follows: “Abraham’s affection for his children and his household led him to guard their religious faith, to impart to them a knowledge of the divine statutes, as the most precious legacy he could transmit to them, and through them to the world. All were taught that they were under the rule of the God of heaven. There was to be no oppression on the part of parents and no disobedience on the part of children. God’s law had appointed to each his duties and only in obedience to it could any secure happiness or prosperity.
“His own example, the silent influence of his daily life, was a constant lesson. The unswerving integrity, the benevolence and unselfish courtesy, which had won the admiration of kings, were displayed in the home. There was a fragrance about the life, nobility and loveliness of character, which revealed to all that he was connected with Heaven.
“Like Abraham, parents should command their households after them. Let obedience to parental authority be taught and enforced as the first step in obedience to the authority of God.”
The parents who love their children spend many years—from infancy to young adulthood—training and educating their children to obey the Law of God and their God-fearing parents, and how to live in peace, happiness and unity, serving their Lord and Creator. But there comes a day when the children grow up and leave their parents’ home to establish their own home and family. This, however, does not end their obligation to love and respect their father and mother. This is a lifelong obligation ordained by God.
“A true Christian will never be unkind, never under any circumstances be neglectful of his father or mother, but will heed the command, ‘Honour thy father and thy mother.’ God has said, ‘Thou shalt rise up before the hoary head, and honour the face of the old man.’ . . . ” –The Adventist Home, p. 362–363
As our parents grow older, they may not be able to do everything for themselves, but will need some help with various things, such as, grocery shopping, cleaning their house, appointments, etc. The children should gladly help in proportion to their parents’ need, even though it may not always be convenient for them, so that father and mother can live a happy and worry-free life. When the children have grown in grace and in the knowledge of Christ, reflecting His image, they will treat their parents with kindness and respect; when infirmities come upon father and/or mother and they are no longer able to care for themselves, their children will do everything that is in their power to bring joy into the life of their parents.
When our elderly parents live on their own and cannot get out much, they may often get lonely. Then we must keep in touch with them by dropping in on them for a visit and/or speak with them on the telephone as often as possible to let them know that we care about them. Our parents looked after us when we were small and helpless. They fed us, clothed us, gave us love, companionship, shelter, educated us, and much more. When they are elderly and needy, it is the children’s privilege to express their gratitude by bringing them as much love, respect, and happiness as they possibly can.
“There is no better recommendation in this world than that a child has honored his parents, no better record in the books of heaven than that he has loved and honored father and mother.” –Ibid., p. 361
There may come a time when our parents will need more help than we can give them by making visits to their home, or one of our parents may pass away and the one that remains is not able to look after himself. At such a time many families choose to place their loved father or mother into an institution—a nursing home—where they would be together with other elderly people. The Spirit of Prophecy instructs us not to send our aged family members away from home to be cared for by strangers, but if at all possible, the members of every family are to take care of their own relatives. Of course, there may be circumstances where it is not possible to care for them ourselves. In that case, we must do for them the best we can.
“All who have Christ’s spirit will regard the feeble and aged with special respect and tenderness.” –Ibid., p. 363
At this time, I just want to share with you our family’s experience of having our father live in our home with us when he was elderly and in need of help.
Our mother passed away almost 12 years before our father. We knew that our father would not be able to look after himself, so our family (five siblings with spouses), including our dad, discussed what to do. We all agreed that the best thing for our dad was to come live with us, Evald, our son Paul and myself. So, on the day of our mother’s funeral, our father came to live with us.
Dad had his own bedroom, and shared the bathroom with Paul, who was ten years old at that time; but the whole house was there for him just as it was for us. While living together, we learned new things about one another since we had not lived in the same home for many years and both of us had grown older, but all went well. Dad and Paul also learned to know one another better and got along very well. It was good for all of us to live under one roof. We belonged together; we were one family.
My father had been used to doing hard physical work all his life; and, although he was not able any longer to do the same, he often asked us what he could do in the garden and/or yard to help keep the property nice. He wanted to contribute and feel useful and by doing light chores; he spent time in the fresh air and got some physical exercise outdoors. It made him feel needed and brought him happiness to be part of our household. He also went for daily walks and made friends with a couple around his own age where he was able to witness for the Lord. Our dad lived with us for almost twelve years, until the day he fell asleep. Having our father live with us was a great blessing for us all. We remember this time with fondness and thank the Lord for His grace.
Here are some wonderful inspired words written by Ellen G. White I wish to share with you:
“Children, let your parents, infirm and unable to care for themselves, find their last days filled with contentment, peace, and love. . . . let them go down to the gave receiving from you only words of kindness, love, mercy, and forgiveness. . . . You desire the Lord to love and pity and forgive you, . . . . and will you not treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself?” –Ibid., p. 363
“The thought that children have ministered to the comfort of their parents is a thought of satisfaction all through the life, and will especially bring them joy when they themselves are in need of sympathy and love. Those whose hearts are filled with love will regard the privilege of smoothing the passage to the grave for their parents an inestimable privilege. They will rejoice that they had a part in bringing comfort and peace to the last days of their loved parents.” –Ibid., p. 363
May our good Lord help us to raise our children with love and patience, to honour God and respect their parents. And may He also give us wisdom and strength to look after our own parents in times of need is our prayer. Amen.
Franziska Pedersen
Franziska and Evald Pederson with their son, Paul, and Joseph Polzer, father of Franziska