Personal Testimony (1990)

After baptism, some days later, suddenly my mind became clouded with doubt and strange unbelief. I thought that somehow I was not accepted by the Lord, for I did not right away feel the joy and peace expected, though I made earnest preparation in confession, repentance and searching of heart and many prayers beforehand.

Notwithstanding, I said I will patiently wait for the salvation of the Lord.

However, Satan took advantage and began to press clouds of darkness upon me which caused me great distress of mind. I could not understand what was suddenly happening to me. My faith began to dwindle, and I felt being dragged into a mire against my will with a force that frightened me terribly.

When this was getting unbearable, I fled to the Lord in ardent prayer, and the heaviness left me. However, the darkness came over me repeatedly, seeming to get ever worse. I just could not endure this, for this was plain torture and hell.

I felt a frightening spiritual weakness; the effect of the beautiful, encouraging promises of God only shortly comforted my troubled soul. I was like one drowning in a rough and raging sea.

I stretched my arms desperately out to the Saviour to hold myself onto Him, my only hope and refuge, but at the same time I felt a force pulling me away from Jesus, and this terrified me dreadfully. Jesus seemed to be so far away…

When I had spiritual troubles in the past, fierce onslaughts from the devil, I read Steps to Christ, and had always been greatly blessed and straightened out, so to speak.

So, I did the same now again. One night I went to the little book to read further on. There my eyes were suddenly opened at page 53: “Satan is ready to steal away the blessed assurances of God. He desires to take every glimmer of hope and every ray of light from the soul; but you must not permit him to do this. Do not give ear to the tempter, but say,

“‘Jesus has died that I might live…’”

This was what I needed; now I had the remedy! Then I prayed and confessed, pleaded with the Lord and told Him all the troubles and said that I am His alone, would He please deliver me from the hand of the enemy…

Then I rebuked Satan in the name of Jesus, to leave me alone, he has no right to make a claim on me, I am the Lord’s. Jesus died for me, He shed His precious blood for me and crushed the head of the serpent at Calvary!

Then I had a dream. There was a lovely scene of a few houses in classic Mediterranean style, with balconies and upward winding paths, that had lovely balustrades at the edge, for the setting was on the top of a very high cliff, above a deep abyss.

All looked serene, peaceful, bathed in golden sunlight. I was happily living there, daily walking up the path to the church at the end. From the window of my house I saw the church and the path, nothing else, which seemed to me to illustrate my life interest.

As I looked with contentment to the scene, there passed words in golden letters which were familiar to me from the Scriptures, however, they passed from my view and I cannot remember them.

But I pressed forward to read the end of the sentence which stood a bit apart, each word more separate as to emphasize the meaning.

I could see them in their crystal-clearness: …TO BE OF GOD! In the most perfect carved letters of gold that had a radiating light and luster, a purity, which only gold from heaven can diffuse.

On the end was a beautiful glistening cross in gold, like the letters.

I was deeply impressed and comforted and awoke with the scene vividly sealed into my mind and knew that the Lord in His lovingkindness and mercy had heard my cry. I cannot express my gratitude to Jesus, and the peace that now came over me…

God help me to ever humbly walk before Him, and have the assurance, that whatever comes in my life, is directed by Him, that I can fully trust Him every step of the way, for it will be of God! Amen.

Edda Tedford, Canada