Who else could create such a relationship, full of love, so binding and so satisfying as a marriage relationship. Only the originator of love could. When God instituted marriage it was supposed to be for a life time. But because of man’s departure from God’s plan we realize that many have committed suicide, some have resorted to drugs and alcohol while some try to free themselves through divorce. One thing we need to understand is that God’s ways are the best for us in everything. “Lo, this only have I found, that God hath made man upright; but they have sought out many inventions.” Ecclesiastes 7:29. The fact that marriage is supposed to be full of love and satisfying does not mean that it all happens without our effort nor can one find this kind of relationship through magic. No. You have to work for it through total commitment, faith and love.

The first requirement for a successful marriage is love. Imagine the father of mankind, Adam, being totally aware of what his wife had done. “She was a part of himself, and he could not endure the thought of separation. . . . He resolved to share her fate; if she must die, he would die with her. . . . He seized the fruit and quickly ate.” –Patriarchs and Prophets, p. 56. In this we can learn that even though his love for Eve could not justify his sin, yet it was so powerful. If every husband and wife would have this kind of love which tolerates faults in the other, how many heart aches, divorces and even suicides would be avoided. Still, a successful marriage is not achieved only through love and romance but many things are attached to this love, as the saying goes; “A cake made from nothing but sugar would soon dissolve.”

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it.” Ephesians 5:25

Why does God instruct men to love their wives, why not vice versa? Because He is our creator, He knows very well what material we are made of. We have to realize that women are emotional creatures. Men usually make a mistake by thinking that if they build a modern house and fill it with luxurious furniture they would have done their whole duty and shown love to their wives. Even though they may provide all the material comforts and be faithful to their wives, they need to climb a few more steps if they would reach the point of satisfying their wives. Even though other material things are important, the main needs of a woman would rather be to be cherished and hear affectionate words from their husbands. Men seriously need to consider the fact that a woman’s need for emotional fulfillment is equally pressing as is the male’s need for sexual release. Therefore, if a man wants his wife to be happy he needs to assure her of her place in his affections and provide her with emotional security. Tell her how much you truly love her and make her feel special. On the other hand, women need to be cautious that they do not expect too much from their husbands. They need not compare their husbands with the professionally groomed husband that the world or her fantasies represent.

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.” Colossians 3:18. God does not command the women to love their husbands. Why? Because the woman’s whole existence is composed of love. Everything she does is entwined with love. When she cooks for her family, or mends her husband’s shirt, feeds her baby or cleans the house, she does it all in love. Since love is part of her nature God gave her a commandment that is suitable for her. SUBMIT unto your husbands; this command does not make women second-class citizens of this world.  This does not mean that women must blindly obey and helplessly depend on their husbands. It simply means that in decision making in the home, if she feels that she has some insight into the matter, the wife has a right to suggest her own ideas so that the husband can take her opinions into his decision. In case of a misunderstanding or conflict, no matter how right her opinion is in her eyes, she has to willingly submit or yield to her husband’s ideas.

Having done all, yet still if problems arise, how can one deal with them? The first solution is for the couple to discuss the problems as politely as they do with their friends. “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” James 1:19. This will help you to think before you talk, thereby avoiding all bad words which could escape your lips and cause more harm than good. Some resort to what is called the “silent treatment”. This is usually used by women to get even for some injustice done to them or as a tool to control the situation. Some men use it when strong emotions such as fear or anger are growing in them. Even though it is said that silence is eloquence, in this case instead of solving the problems this silence tends to worsen them.

Both husband and wife need to come to terms with the fact that even though they love each other, yet still they are two different individuals. We must realize the fact that to be different does not always mean to be wrong. Though some behaviours, such as dishonesty, laziness, drunkenness or smoking are hard to accept, at least we can view the situation without open hostility. Nothing can destroy love quicker than a quarrelsome attitude. “It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.” Proverbs 25:24. As the verse explains, men would rather stay outside than in a big house with a nagging woman. We need to understand that no one can change any one by direct action but you can change yourself—then others may change in response to you.

One more thing which could help is to recognize and appreciate what your spouse is doing. Because of living together daily the husband and wife end up getting accustomed to each other’s virtues and strengths such that they overlook them and rarely mention the admirable qualities of their mates, but magnify minor faults. The wife needs to satisfy her husband’s need for appreciation. If he has some achievement, helps to clean the yard, plays with the kids or even brings a gift for his wife, she is supposed to be thankful, praise him and show appreciation, but do not flatter. This has a wonderful effect on changing your spouse’s behaviour. It makes him feel more confident and secure. When a husband buys a gift for his wife she needs to be very careful not to hurt him by failing to show appreciation.

Men also need to realize their wives need for appreciation.  The housewives whose work centres around the house do not expect promotions , salary increases or bonuses after doing their work, no matter how perfectly done, yet many times words of appreciation from her husband would encourage her to carry forward her work. “. . . . her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.” Proverbs 31:28–29. These words which cost so little could soothe a multitude of irritations and misunderstandings.  As the wife grows older she needs more reassurance from her husband that she is still attractive and interesting.  This will also improve their sexual relationship.

Although we have centred on many points that could help the marriage life, these will be incomplete if God is not included. “Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain.” Psalm 127:1. As each mate strives to be like Jesus the closer they come to one another. One preacher commented on Jesus’ miracle at the wedding feast saying, “When Jesus comes into your marriage He turns water into wine.” His presence in the marriage relationship transforms a cold relationship into one with life and sparkle. Our enemy knows this that is why he keeps God’s people busy to the extent of forsaking worship together as a family. Remember: a family that prays together stays together.

Josephine Gwina

Sierra Leone