In today’s world forgiveness is something that is so often neglected. There are many stories about revenge and they make it seem like it is something heroic, something desirable. In fact many of these stories make it seem like forgiveness is weak. However if you think about it; what is harder, to be wronged and get back at that person; or to be wronged, forgive that person, and wish them well?
There is a famous quote by Gandhi that says, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” And that is so true; our human nature wants to react. As soon as someone wrongs us, we want to take our revenge, but it takes something more; it takes strength of character and strength from God to find the ability to forgive. And the more you think you about it, the more it becomes obvious that forgiveness is so necessary, not just in our spiritual life but in our entire life. Every relationship that we have in our life, at some point will require us to forgive, so why is it then that we still find it so hard to forgive? We will take a look at the biblical, the practical and the emotional side of forgiveness and how we can take that first step.
If we take a look at the Bible, God gives us many stories of forgiveness, but one of my favourites is the story of Joseph. Genesis 50:20-21 states, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones. Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.”
There are many lessons that can be learned from this story but the most important is about forgiveness. Joseph had the right and the power to punish his half-brothers for doing what they did to him. He could have easily gotten revenge on them, but in his mercy, Joseph forgave his brothers and wept over them when they finally met… A comparison can be made between Joseph and God, in the sense that God has every right and the power to punish us and we deserve it; but rather than punish us, God has freely and generously forgiven us, restored the relationship with us and has blessed us, just as Joseph did to his brothers. God could have punished us but didn’t and so Joseph is paralleled to God and God’s forgiveness and blessings, freely given.
Also, the Gospel invites us to “love our enemies and do good to them who persecute us;” to be “merciful and abundant in our forgiveness,” and God will reward us for such a life. This is one of the reasons I find this story so amazing, because Joseph had all the power in the world, he was second in command in Egypt. How many of us forgive because we have to? How many of us, if we could, would get back at the other person? Joseph, despite having all the power to do whatever he liked, chose not only to forgive his brothers but to bless them, and to do them good. In doing so Joseph went the extra mile, while many of us often forgive but we still harbor feelings of anger, and resentment or treat the other person badly. Part of forgiveness is reconciliation and part of it is forgetting, forgetting that the other person wronged you, and treating them the same as you used to or the same as everyone else. In short we must forgive, forget and continue to show them the love of Christ.
Of course in the Bible our greatest role model is Christ. “And when they came to the place that is called The Skull, there they crucified him, and the criminals, one on his right and one on his left. And Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.’ And they cast lots to divide his garments.” Luke 23:33-34. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine the amount of pain Jesus was going through, physical, emotional and spiritual pain? Yet in that same moment He forgave them. To make it more real, place yourself in His shoes, in a situation today. Imagine for a moment that someone that you love, someone that you are trying to help is hurting you. They are physically injuring you and insulting you; and at the same time you know you have the power to make them stop. What do you do?
When most people are wronged they have to go through several stages before arriving at forgiveness. In fact at Stanford University, Dr. Frederick Luskin, who has been conducting studies on forgiveness says that we go through four stages in learning to forgive. To begin with, we focus on what others are doing to us. We blame outside people and situations for what happens, and do not see that the anger response is a choice we are making. In the second stage, we turn our focus on what we are doing to ourselves. We realize that anger does not “feel good,” and take steps to release it and forgive. In the third stage, we start to notice our anger responses even to simple, everyday situations. We become aware of anger’s discomfort, and realize that the length of time we spend in this state is a choice we can make. In stage four, Luskin says, we have realized that not only is anger uncomfortable and a waste of “precious life,” it is something that hurts other people. At this stage, we decide to stop reacting to life with anger. Yet Christ forgave His transgressors in that very moment, in that same moment that was causing Him so much pain, He forgave them. How much more should we forgive others?
We read in the Bible, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13 Because Christ forgave us so freely He wants us to do the same for others.
“‘Forgive us our sins; for we also forgive everyone that is indebted to us.’ Luke 11:4.
“Jesus teaches that we can receive forgiveness from God only as we forgive others. It is the love of God that draws us unto Him, and that love cannot touch our hearts without creating love for our brethren.
“After completing the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus added: ‘If ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: but if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.’ He who is unforgiving cuts off the very channel through which alone he can receive mercy from God. We should not think that unless those who have injured us confess the wrong we are justified in withholding from them our forgiveness. It is their part, no doubt, to humble their hearts by repentance and confession; but we are to have a spirit of compassion toward those who have trespassed against us, whether or not they confess their faults. However sorely they may have wounded us, we are not to cherish our grievances and sympathize with ourselves over our injuries; but as we hope to be pardoned for our offenses against God we are to pardon all who have done evil to us.”
But forgiveness has a broader meaning than many suppose. When God gives the promise that He “will abundantly pardon,” He adds, as if the meaning of that promise exceeded all that we could comprehend: “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:7-9. God’s forgiveness is not merely a judicial act by which He sets us free from condemnation. It is not only forgiveness for sin, but reclaiming from sin. It is the outflow of redeeming love that transforms the heart. David had the true conception of forgiveness when he prayed, ‘Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.’ Psalm 51:10. And again he says, ‘As far as the east is from the west, so far hath He removed our transgressions from us.’ Psalm 103:12.
God in Christ gave Himself for our sins. He suffered the cruel death of the cross, bore for us the burden of guilt, ‘the just for the unjust,’ that He might reveal to us His love and draw us to Himself. And He says, ‘Be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.’ Ephesians 4:32, R.V.” MB 113, 114
While forgiveness is mandated in scripture, it isn’t only for our spiritual walk that we should do it. Forgiveness is something that is beneficial for our physical health as well. The following is an excerpt from an online article entitled “Forgiveness is good for your Health:”
“Traditionally, we think of forgiveness as a blessing extended to the transgressor, easing his or her conscience; the person who does the forgiving is seen as engaged in a gallant self-sacrifice. In this traditional view, the forgiven person benefits while the forgiver gains nothing. But what if forgiveness is just as important for the person who forgives as for the person forgiven? What if it’s in your self-interest to forgive, because you will be better off?
“Increasingly, psychological research has begun to show that being a forgiving person is essential to happiness. Even when someone wrongs you, feeling anger or hatred only causes your life to descend into misery and resentment: You are the one who suffers, not the person you’re angry at. Forgiving, on the other hand, can lift the burden. When Buddha and Jesus and other great spiritual figures taught us to forgive those who sin against us, they weren’t just pronouncing holy philosophy. Rather, they were giving practical down-to-earth life advice.
“Worthington, who is a professor at Virginia Commonwealth University and a pioneer in forgiveness research, has found that people who won’t forgive the wrongs committed against them tend to have negative indicators of health and well-being: more stress-related disorders, lower immune-system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole. In effect, by failing to forgive they punish themselves. Unforgiving people are also thought to experience higher rates of divorce, which also reduces well-being, given that married men and women consistently do better on most health barometers, including longevity.
“In contrast people who forgive, Worthington finds, may have better health, fewer episodes of clinical depression, longer marriages and better ‘social support,’ another indicator of well-being. This latter means forgiving people get along better with others, who in turn come to their aid in social-support situations.
“Forgiveness research is a comparatively new field. Psychologist Kenneth Pargament of Bowling Green University says that while psychology has long studied the coping mechanisms that people use to deal with anger, resentment, and desire for revenge when they are wronged, only recently has forgiveness–in some cases, the ultimate form of coping–become a common subject of research.
“But research is beginning to say that, in most cases, most people will be better off if they forgive others for wrongs experienced during life–anything from small transgressions to horrific tragedies. Forgive others because it’s good for you. And if you make the world a more peaceful place in so doing, that’s a nice bonus too.”
In continuing on this same point I’d like to recount a story entitled, Are your potatoes heavy?
A teacher once told each of her students to bring a clear plastic bag and a sack of potatoes to school. For every person they refuse to forgive in their life, they had to choose a potato, write the name and date on it, and put it in the plastic bag. Some of the bags were quite heavy.
They were then told to carry this bag with them everywhere they went for one week, putting it beside their bed at night, on the car seat when driving, next to their desk at work.
The hassle of lugging this around with them made it clear what a weight they were carrying physically, and how they had to pay attention to it all the time, to not forget it, and keep leaving it in embarrassing places. Naturally, over time the condition of the potatoes deteriorated to a nasty condition, making the potatoes even more obvious than before. This is a great metaphor for the price we pay for keeping our anger and bitterness. How much better would it be if we could just forgive and forget, yet too often we think of forgiveness as a gift to the other person, when it mainly is for ourselves
We all know the saying “When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.” Well, know you may have a few reasons to hold on to anger, but you have many more reasons to forgive. We have countless examples in the Bible, because forgiveness is received only as much as we have given it, because it is mandated in scripture, because it is good for our health to forgive. But most of all we should forgive because of love, not because we have to, but because we love everyone. It is my wish and prayer that we may forgive as freely as Christ forgives us. Amen
Nidia Romero