“Honor Thy Father and Mother”
“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12
Genuine Respect
This is the fifth commandment of the Ten Commandments (lit. “ten utterances” or God’s rules of conduct) which in essence says, “honor your father and your mother.” To honor is defined as mark of respect, reverence, a sense of what is right or due; as we confer honor to God ” a highly respected God. It denotes, also, integrity, trust. A courtroom judge is addressed, “your honor.”
It”s not often that reference, or mention is made to this divine yet unconditional commandment, or it”s quietly reserved for a children”s class, or shunned. In fact, “aged parents were abandoned or put to death in heathen lands.” (PP 337). More often, however, mention is made of the fourth (“Remember the Sabbath Day”); sixth (“You shall not murder”); seventh (“You shall not commit adultery”); eighth (“You shall not steal”); and so on, but all important as well. But, in fact however, the fifth commandment (“Honor Thy Father and Mother”) is mentioned eight times; Ex. 20:12; Deut. 5:16; Matt. 15:14; 19:19; Mark 7:10; 10:19; Luke 18:20; Eph. 6:2)!
The marked emphasis, however, is still the same in all “Honor Thy Father and Mother”.absolute and applicable in any situation. The Alexandrian Jewish author, Philo (GR friend) applied it well; he had already connected the commandments to honor one”s parents with general rules of household duties!
Secret Of A Long Life
Yet, we teach our young children that “honor” means “obey.” You see, one important factor that should be borne in mind about the Law is that it served as a “schoolmaster” until Christ (Gal 3:24), and that, indeed, is the Apostle Paul’s application in Eph.6:1-3. He touches on the domestic life of the Spirit-filled believers as children and servants of God. Paul said, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord; for this is right. Honor thy father and mother (which is the first commandment with promise), that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.” Well, here we see, too, the first of God’s many blessed promises, and that of long life! Also, the rule for fathers (Eph. 6:4) supports authoritarian paternalism, but may refer to “education”(bringing up) rather than “strict discipline.”(Bib. Com. Harper 1988, pg. 1119).
Rejecting God
It is true, furthermore, that “parents are entitled to a degree of love and respect which is due to no other person. God Himself, who has placed upon them a responsibility for the souls committed to their charge, has ordained that during the earlier years of life, parents shall stand in the place of God to their children. And he who rejects the rightful authority of his parents is rejecting the authority of God. The fifth commandment requires children not only to yield respect, submission, and obedience to their parents, but also to give them love and tenderness, to lighten their cares, to guard their reputation, and to succor and comfort them in old age. It also enjoins respect for ministers and rulers and for all others to whom God has delegated authority.” (PP 308).
Go In!
To Israel, expecting soon to enter Canaan, it was a pledge to the obedient, of long life in that good land; but it has a wider meaning, including all the Israel of God, and promising eternal life upon the earth when it shall be freed from the curse of sin.”(PP 308 ).
Certainly, then, we can see the fifth commandment has a wider and more important meaning and a practical application for us, as we, that present Israel, stand before the gates of Canaan.
Financial Interests
Well, we can see, too, that obedience is one form of honor, the honor that young children owe to their parents. Ah! But when children have grown to adulthood and parents have grown old, the emphasis of Scripture shifts from obedience to financial support” “to succor and comfort them in old age.” But, what does Jesus say”
1. Jesus tells the Pharisees – that they have violated the fifth commandment when, using a religious pretext, they have failed to support their parents (Mark 7:9-13). The Hebrew and Greek word for “honor,” kabad and timao, respectively, have financial connotations. See Gen. 13:2; Prov. 13:18; Isa. 43:23; Mal. 1:6; 1 Tim. 5:17. Now, the Apostle Paul, dealing with the needs of widows in the church, tells children and grandchildren to meet those needs (1Tim. 5:4). He employs some of the strongest, unexpected language against those who refuse this responsibility: “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”(verse 8). Astonishing! Admittedly, it was a problem in those days” and it is, today.
About Face
Providing for our elders is endearing love, but it is also justice. When we were young, we were utterly helpless. Then our parents provided for all our needs. All too often, of course, this is not the case, as parents abandon their children through divorce or desertion. What I say here, therefore, must be applied analogously to all guardians. So, what changes”
2. When our parents become helpless – the roles must be reversed. We must provide everything for them, to the extent of their needs. “They”re entitled to more than food and shelter.”(AH 360). So, what are these needs”
Those needs, furthermore, are more than financial. Older people often find themselves alone, without friends or family; the “empty nest syndrome.” I see it daily in ritzy, glitzy Florida; many retirement pensioners, sitting on park benches sharing a newspaper, clipping out coupons, eating canned dog or cat food, too old, poor, or crippled to play golf, sleeping under bridges, talking of the “good ol” days,” in the shadows of luxury high rises, and flowing wealth ” many more with no hope, even the enviably wealthy. But, most importantly, a “feeling of rejection.”(UL 131). Even so, what is lacking”
Home Sweet Home
They need companionship, mental stimulation, compassionate understanding, indeed love, and “assurance to the faithful ones” (RY 144); “fruitfulness, by working the brain in life-long diligence.”(2 MCP 399:3) Furthermore, “aged parents long for affection and sympathy”(AH 360).
Therefore, so often the ideal place for them, when they can no longer live independently, is in the home of an adult child. Such home care enables the child more easily to meet the needs of his parent, and it gives the parent a real home, with loved ones and the support that only families can give; a common spirit, praying, and sharing the joys and woes of life. Thusly, together “great victories are gained by parents through earnest prayer and living faith.”(1T 397). This is the life of a God-fearing home for the elderly and the children; “a fortification of prayer and faith.”(2T 398).
Real Culture
In Greece, and in some other cultures, it is the common custom and tradition to care for the parents in the homes of the children. In fact, it”s considered the “children”s duty, and privilege to care for aged parents” (AH 360-4). The grandparents are adored and cherished; give a certain “gracefulness”(RY 23f); influencing to the benefit of the grandchildren; “convenient” counseling and “services” for their children, genuine usefulness, with deep, infinite wisdom and life experiences of old age. “One Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all” (Eph 4:5, 6)” one walk, one service, one spirit, one roof. What a unique opportunity for younger “parents to bring as much perfection as possible into the family circle.”(6T 382).
Too Bad
But, in a fallen and insecure world, no situation is perfectly ideal, and this beautiful scenario changes. “For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy.” (2 Tim. 3:2). “Disobedience to parents is a sign of the last days, and is increasing.” (CG 229; AA 506).
Home care, today, for elderly relatives, however, is often a difficult situation, both for the older person and for the younger family; petty conflicts, idiosyncrasies, pet peeves, – but, pride prevails above all! So, the younger adults often seek alternatives; but, they often feel a sense of guilt about the prospect of sending their parents to live somewhere other than their family home. It”s normal as it grates with the inborn, normal family make-up ordained by God.
Moment Of Truth
Admittedly, nursing homes, particularly, have developed bad and scandalous reputations over recent decades. Studies have revealed deplorable care in many (but not all) such institutions, as well as the tendency for younger relatives to abandon the nursing home residents entirely, or visit only on Holidays. Many of those residents experience extreme loneliness, neglect, and abusive care by the staff members.
So, Christians and brethren ask, is it ever legitimate, or right to confine an aged relative in a nursing home” Is such an important decision (for some, desperate) ever in keeping with the fifth commandment” Well, it very well may be. But, is it honorable” Is it inevitable” Is it unavoidable” Is it in the best interests and circumstances of the elderly parent and children” “The Lord searches all hearts.”(1 Chron. 28:9). “Let us search our ways (Lam. 3:40).
To be sure there are several principles that address and bear on this issue:
Good Samaritan Principles
1. Separate – It is not wrong in itself for parents to live apart from their children. Indeed, to the original ordinance of marriage in Gen. 2:24; describes a man “leaving” his father and mother in order to “hold fast to his wife.” This principle does not rule out multi-generational living arrangements, but it does mean that marriage creates a “new authority” relationship that normally is expressed by the couple living apart from their parents. As long as a parent is able to live independently, such separation is, perhaps, desirable and acceptable, though there are certainly big advantages for parents and children living fairly close to one another, as mentioned earlier.
2. Monitor – Even when parents are ill or infirm, we should value their independence. Yes, if they can afford and obtain the proper care they need while living independently, and they prefer to do that, nobody ought to, or perhaps, object. Children, of course, should monitor such situations very closely, and with a willingness, however, to step in immediately when needed. In fact, many parents prefer such an arrangement. But, often when confronted, the parents “exhibit a defense mechanism, called “denial,” a disorder which may prevent a stubborn person from complying with treatment, and thereby, worsening the condition, and may lead to depression or become life-threatening.” (Merck Medical Manuel 2nd Ed., pg. 548). Pride is the culprit, and must be rid of, only by the power of God in this condition, and by wise counseling.
3. Medical – There are, however, some medical needs, such as Alzheimer”s disease, cancer, advanced cardiovascular disease, severe arthritis, tuberculosis, Hodgkin”s disease, multiple sclerosis, progressive diabetes, mental disorders, incontinence, non-ambulatory, severe malaria, and other chronic, degenerative and infective medical manifestations, that preclude either independent living or living in a family home These are becoming more common, as people live longer and medicine becomes more sophisticated. Sometime their needs can best be met through a reputable long-term nursing facility, which are particularly prepared to face these problems. Thank God that such institutions and “care-givers” do exist. But, not everyone can afford such care, to have insurance, or have pension benefits; resulting in a “natural family union,” (a fusion of souls); compatible or not.
4. Decisions – Of course, there are wide disparities in the quality and cost of nursing home care (private and government). One responsibility of children is to help their parents make wise decisions, or if necessary make decisions for them, among alternatives, but through intensive research, prayer, and wise counseling. Visiting many nursing homes before any commitment is made is one approach, also “homes for the aged have been established by SDA.” (6T 286-87).
5. Visiting – Children should never abandon parents who have been institutionalized, but should visit often (family, friends, church members), providing prayer, emotional support, furnishing reading matter (Bible, Testimonies, etc), Christian material and music, reading to parent when unable to, bringing a favorite dish, supplements, etc. Above all, careful monitoring of their needs, particularly diet and care. Bed or pressure sores are one of the leading causes of long-term-care facility deaths!
6. Discharge – When a nursing home patient has recovered to the point that such care is no longer needed or advantageous, the children should take responsibility, making other suitable arrangements for their parent; home care by a welcomed family or visiting nurse; a return to the not so “empty nest,” with new vigor, hope!
7. Interaction – On the upside of aging parents, longevity studies have revealed that the key to longer-life was not especially diet, or exercise, but interaction with people; beneficial for both children and elderly parents. Many aged are resisting mandatory retirement; (pilots, traffic controllers, law firms, doctors, pastors, engineers, etc.); abilities resist decline! Decisions made are based on many years of experience; hence, knowledge and skill for automatic functions are least sensitive to aging. They become automatic and effortless. (WSJ W1 2/16/07.) In fact, a rich wealth of ripe old wisdom. Socrates stated, “wisdom begins after sixty five.” History has reflected the stupendous wisdom of the aged for centuries.
8. Aging – Moreover, an emerging body of research has also revealed that mental functions hold up well into old age, while others get actually better; vocabulary, other verbal abilities, more expert knowledge ” “written in stone” (in one”s occupation, profession, hobby, etc.), store more “cognitive templates” (recollection of or mental outlines of generic problems ” facts, figures, etc.), and solutions to new problems, keen emotional abilities, intelligence and mature wisdom, cognitive reasoning that can separate what”s important and not, and just “healthy aging” (National Institutes of Health) (WSJ W1 2/16/07). Clearly then, a “pool of sharpened genes,” and “charged DNA.”
9. Peace – “Other studies show that the adrenals (GRamygdala) the seat of fear and anger, becomes less responsive to things that once triggered it, such as aggravation and threats. This fits with the stereotype of being at peace with oneself, the world, and God in old age; something to look forward to. (WSJ 2/16/07BiologyW4).
Conclusion: How Or If
In conclusion, therefore, nursing homes and care-givers, in lieu of home-care, can still play an important role in the life of elderly parents in Christian families when under a close family influence. But, children must take responsibility for determining how or if to use them in an overall context of love, patience, and care, not demeaning the parents in any manner, nor “cherishing a retaliatory spirit against them”(AH 362). Nursing homes should never be “dumpsters” for people nobody wants to have around. Rather, they should serve to supplement, when needed, a broad relationship of family care and influence, motivated by the love of Christ and honor for the aged ones.
Finally, there was an elderly widower, living alone, who had only one son. He was becoming lonely and dejected. He decided, however, at the invitation of his married son to move in with him and his daughter-in-law. Consequently, he sold his home and gave all of his remaining assets and property to his son.
After a rather short period of time, his daughter-in-law decided, however, that he should leave the house. The son was befuddled; torn between his father and his wife. Granted he loved his father very much, but his wife was over-bearing and insisted his father leave.
Therefore, shortly thereafter, the son asked his father to take a walk with him along a narrow pathway nearby. As they were walking the son tried to console his father by confessing his love for him, but that it would be wiser that he leave to keep the peace.
Midway along the lonely, but familiar path, the father sat on a boulder, and began to cry bitterly.
The son, again, tried to comfort his father by placing his hand on his shoulder, begging forgiveness for his act. The father, however, said, “my dear son, I still love you and always will, but it”s not my having to leave your home that causes me to weep, but the memory of eighteen years ago in which I traveled this very same path with my father, and confined him in the same decrepit, dirty, old nursing home ahead that you are now taking me. “Whatever a man sows that shall he reap.”(Gal 6:7).
“Honor Thy Father And Mother.”
Amen
John Theodorou, U.S.A.